Real Talk
Empty Nest Syndrome: The Loneliness Parents Feel When Kids Leave
Parents of older children, you’re not alone in feeling the Empty Nest Syndrome.
As many millennials start working abroad or getting married, all the more we see our houses become empty. There’s an unsettling silence in the home and there’s the struggle of unlearning to call that particular child’s name throughout the house. But the loneliness eventually starts to seep in as the very people we devoted our existence to are no longer physically there. That feeling is known as Empty Nest Syndrome.
What is Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty Nest Syndrome is a common feeling for parents who now have adult kids. When the kids start leaving the proverbial nest (or the home) to live their own lives, it can leave a parent who has devoted all their time to their kids feeling empty. When the object or person who we once devoted to leaves, we feel lonely and empty as we’re left with the question: what now?
The Science Behind Empty Nest Syndrome
Studies proved Asian cultures experience and see Empty Nest Syndrome differently. While some see the child leaving as an “emotional” loss, others will see the child leaving (especially for sons) the home as a sign of disrespect and feel that they lose a bit of their social status and money. However, parents are not the only ones affected by the loss. Siblings are also emotionally affected when their elder siblings leave, particularly when the environment and the relationship between parents are strained.
How Separation Becomes Difficult
Especially when parents have a strained relationship with one another, the void is much more obvious. To prevent this, some parents try to delay their child’s leaving. It doesn’t matter if their child is in their twenties; the child plays an important role in maintaining the family’s harmony. It’s here that the ties that bind Filipino families together, the virtue of pakikisama, perverts into feelings of separation anxiety and co-dependency (the inability to separate one’s identity from another) which can make one look extremely controlling.
Why Modern Parenting Calls for A Balance Between Parenting and Self-Love
Self-love may appear selfish to the traditional or conservative parent but, it’s what prevents parents from suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome. With their child gone, they now face the reality that there is now a chance for them to pursue what they want for themselves. Whether it’s a hobby or a pamper day, self-love allows them to recall their identity before they became parents. Some therapists call this kind of therapy “reality therapy.” By helping parents view their behaviors as choices that focus more on the present time, therapists offer parents a form of control over the new situation they are in.
How to Cope With Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty Nest Syndrome is psychosocial in nature, leading to parents being confused about who else they can talk to. When their lives have been revolving around their kids for 90% of their time, it can be difficult to cope with the void. However, some therapists and even other parents recommend the following to cope with it:
- Reconnect with old friends – Whether it’s been 3 or 30 years, some friendships never die. Celebrity vlogger Kryz Uy recently reconnected with her besties and it’s been a wholesome experience.
- Reconnect with your partner – As parents, it’s easy to prioritize our children. But when they leave, there’s nobody left except you and your partner. It’s like what Luis Manzano said in Jessy’s vlog, “You are a partner first and foremost.”
- Take up a hobby – Hobbies are not just for young adults and kids. They do well for middle-aged adults, too! Adults have as much right as kids to explore things they did not have time to do so. It may be a bit strange at first when surrounded by younger individuals but, you’re not there for their approval. You’re there to enjoy and learn for yourself and that does not need their criticisms.
- Keep in touch with your child – Just because they leave the house, it does not mean they cut you out of their lives forever. While there are some boundaries to respect, there is still that comfort that you and your child are talking to one another.
References:
Badiani, F., & De Sousa, A. (2016). The Empty Nest Syndrome: critical clinical considerations. Indian Journal of Mental Health, 3(2), 135-142.
Mehrabi, N., Yousefzadeh, S., Asghari Nekah, S. M., & Saki, A. (2021). Effect of Solution-focused Group Counseling Approach on the Happiness of Postmenopausal Women Suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome. Journal of Midwifery and Reproductive Health, 9(1), 2548-2554.
Mitchell, B. A., & Lovegreen, L. D. (2009). The empty nest syndrome in midlife families: A multimethod exploration of parental gender differences and cultural dynamics. Journal of family issues, 30(12), 1651-1670.
Mitchell, B. A., & Wister, A. V. (2015). Midlife challenge or welcome departure? Cultural and family-related expectations of empty nest transitions. The International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 81(4), 260-280.
Plotkin, B. (2011). The Experience of Sibling Empty Nest Syndrome Among Sisters from Intact Families. Alliant International University.
More about parents’ mental health?
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